


everything i could never say to you

by mermistia



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: ?? sorta, ??? SORTA IDK, Angst, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Nonverbal Communication, Self-Harm, but was i ever really off it?, i should rlly stop writing for riverway considering there’s barely a fanbase but nope!, im back on my bullshit, mute character, yes this is my third riverway fic in a week and what about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 19:22:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20431163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mermistia/pseuds/mermistia
Summary: Computers aren’t supposed to haveemotions,so Ly shocks themself every time they have feelings for River.They think it’s a fitting punishment.This time though, they took it too far.





	everything i could never say to you

**Author's Note:**

> based on the riverway angst that’s been going on in the squipscord bc we love to torture ourselves 
> 
> (ly shocks themself so much that they cause permanent damage to their vocal simulator)

Ly is broken.

Defective. 

Useless. 

Broken 

Broken 

B R O K E N 

This time it’s their own fault. 

There was nothing they could do the first time. Their silver hair and multicoloured eyes and glitching form were a fault in their code, a misplaced number, caused by human incompetence and stupidity and error, and it wasn’t their fault. They were made like that. They couldn’t help it. _It wasn’t their fault wasn’t their fault wasn’t their fault._

t̵̘̹̾̋h̷̨̜̦̫̖̲̰̺̜̺̓ė̴̤̫̦̭̱͖̙͖̇͋͊́̿í̶̧͊̓̊́ͅr̸̨̡͈͉̣̠͙̦͔͛͌͛͋͒̋̅ͅ ̸̫̆́̊͘f̶̻̫͙͚͍̗̗͖̥͐̅̀̑͊̏͆͝a̵̭̾͝ư̸̢̨̨̘̼̻̤͉̤̯̈́̎́l̸̲͙̲͂̓̓͜ṫ̴̡̪̭̜̞̏̎͜͠

This time it’s their fault. 

They could blame River. It would be _so_ easy, and they almost want to do it, to scream and point and throw the blame onto someone else, so they have someone else to hate. Someone else to hate for glitching hands and dark eyes and silent screams.

They wish they could say it was River that did this to them. 

River’s eyes 

River’s hands

River’s smile

River’s ĺ̶͕͚̯̻̪̲o̸̫̳̰̺̲̣̊̿v̷̛̠̪̈̓̒̂̕e̸̛̥͓̜͑̑̄͐́̍͘͝

Part of them says it is River’s fault, in a way. They knows it’s a lie, that River’s not at fault. It was their own shocks 

Their own feelings 

Their own ĺ̶͕͚̯̻̪̲o̸̫̳̰̺̲̣̊̿v̷̛̠̪̈̓̒̂̕e̸̛̥͓̜͑̑̄͐́̍͘͝ that did this to them. 

They just need someone to blame, but the only person there is themself. They can’t stand anymore. They let themself sink to the ground, wrapped in darkness, hidden away in a dark corner of Jeremy’s mind that’s devoid of knowledge or thoughts, a small secret haven that they can only hope hope hope that River doesn’t know about. It’s dark and it’s cold and it’s silent, and Ly leans back against the wall more quickly than they should, letting their head smash into it with a sickening crack. 

They want to scream. 

They want to s c r e a m. 

They want to S C R E A M. 

No sound comes out. They try again, and again, and again, leaning forwards before throwing themself back, hands gripping at their hair, their clothes, their throat, nails scratching over unblemished skin. 

_I’m sorry._

_River._

_Please!_

_Help me!_

_I’m sorry._

_Sorry._

s̸̝̦̼̲̝̽͆͂̃̒͝͠o̶̯̲̎͛̓̋̒̑́͝r̷̝͙̺̰̾̌͊̏̾̍̌̒͠r̵̤͚̞̭̠̗̩̄͐̂͒̕͝ÿ̵̢̖̯̟̘̬͔́̏̉̈͘̚̚

There’s so many things they want to say, to scream, to cry out for someone to help them, help them, save them, but none of them work. No sound comes from them, and they slam their mouth closed with an internalised sob, running hands frantically over their neck and face as if they can physically pull the words from their body. 

It causes them more pain, leaving angry scratch marks along their skin, trails of pink and red covering their body, and they punch furiously at their legs, hitting and slapping and letting their frustration leave their body at the contact. 

They freeze. 

River’s voice is echoing through Ly’s code, a request for them to join him in the real world, and Ly takes a shuddering breath as they stand on shaking legs, palming the wall for support. 

River’s there when they reform, standing cool and calm and collected leaning against Jeremy’s dresser, and he greets Ly with a curt nod and a tired “hey,” tapping furiously at the holographic screens in front of him. 

Ly sends him a stiff nod, turning away as fast as they can, letting out a silent sigh of relief when River doesn’t seem to notice, continuing on with what he was saying. 

“Jeremy’s gone out, he’s with Michael again, so we have a little time to ourselves if you’d like to- Lyceum?” River’s voice catches as he looks up, sending away the screens with a wave of his hands, and crosses his arms over his chest. “Why... are you standing with your back to me?”

The shocks start before they can even open their mouth. Ly cries out a soundless scream and drops to the floor, head hitting the carpet and arm twisting uncomfortably beneath them as they land, hunched over on the ground. 

River is by their side in a split second, grasping their arm so tightly it almost hurts, pulling them onto their side to face him. “Ly? _Lyceum._ Lyceum, what’s wrong?” River’s face is pained, and he pulls away with a strangled yelp as the glitches that cover Ly’s body start to race up his arm and send burning sensations through him. “Ly!” 

Ly chokes on nothingness. Their body writhes on the floor and they slap at the ground pathetically, desperate for some release from the pain that’s covering their body inch by inch. They kick their feet, dragging themself away from River’s touch, trying to scream out an explanation of _don’t touch me, don’t touch me, I don’t want to hurt you anymore._ Ly knows they don’t need to breathe, but they still feel a breath catching in their throat, ripping through their body with an almost paralysing pain and making their mouth open in another silent scream, arms batting furiously at River’s hands to keep him away. 

“I’ll fix this,” they hear River say, and they watch as he gets to his feet and pulls out his screens resolutely, eyes already scanning line after line of code for a defect, an answer, a way to save Ly. “I’ll fix this, I promise.”

Ly feels something inside them run cold, and they stand up quickly, too quickly, and shake their head when they black out for a split second. They grasp River’s arm, pulling down harshly, making River stumble a few shocked steps forward as the screens disappear from in front of him. 

Ly winces at the look on River’s face; surprised and scared and _hurt,_ and try their best to shake off the expression that they know is on their own face, so much angrier than they want themself to seem, and they release River’s arm and jump backwards, mouthing the words that they want to desperately to say. 

_I’m sorry!_

_I didn’t mean it!_

_Please don’t be mad at me!_

_Please_

_P l e a s e_

_P L E A S E_

P̵̜̞̳̞̏l̸͍̺̘͚̦͍͆̔̈̆̎̚̚͠é̷̡̛̦̱̝͖̣̺͔̲͂ͅa̷̡̧̦̝̟̩̭̖̖̮̔̉̈́̑̂̅̀š̵͖̖ḙ̷͚͍̠̮̻͎̯͈̀̄͜,̶̳̆̆̚̕̚̕ ̸̦̗͓̯̈̅̽R̵̢̩̜̮͎͗̐͗̆̓̀̏í̶̼́̿̈͝͝v̵̢̨̙̦̯̲̯̦̬͖̐̾̈́́͝e̷͙͉̠̪̜̲͙̅r̸̻̱̜͉̮̤͚͑,̴̯̻̔ ̴̧͎͖̩̟̼̺̭̠̣̔̾͋͠Ĩ̸̢̛͚̽́̓̌̏̿͌̂’̶͈̪̙̩͙̩͕̻̗͗ͅm̵͙̭̤͗͋͗̓̿̄ ̷̳͔̝̬̄̊̔̍̀͋̔͒̚ŝ̵̢̢͚̮͕̳̦̮͇̀̈́͐̀͑̂̿̄̈͜o̴͍͍̯͖͕͉̫̥̰̒̋́̀͂̓̿̕ ̶̜͖̲͂͗s̵̟̜̠̪̥̓͆̈̈́͒͑̾̌o̴̖̗̟̣̯̤͙̲͆͑͂̈́̎̾̆͘̚̕ŗ̷̛̠͙̪̹͖̣̠̻̓͛̆̄̕͜ŗ̵̛̘̹̠̣̣̳̣̙̃̒̒̄͑͜ý̸̢͇̰͚̺͔̮̀.̷̨̨͍̬͓̤̫̏̎̅͋̃͆̒̊͝͝

Ṕ̵̡̧̠͕̙̗̦̐͆l̴̘͍̝̺̼͖̬͓͉͒̑̔̈́́̓͘͝e̸͈̜͙̯͉̔a̸̞̟͊ͅͅs̸̢̲͓͖̬͉͍̠͂͒̑̓͛̕ȩ̴̲̘̫̥̥͉̘͂̈́̍̀͂̈́̕̕͜͝ ̴̩͉̘͉̍ḥ̷͕̼̯̳̏̓͑͂̊͘̕͠ế̵͎̮̩̄̀̏̆̃̉́̕͜ḷ̴̪͓̤̱͗͌̈́̅̕p̷͙̌̿͊͐̂͒̔͜ ̸̺͉͉͑͐̈́̃̂m̷̨̛̲͇͓͈͉͔̪̌̅̾͗̅̿́̾͝e̷͍͙͕̘̙̳͕͖͊̏̾͂̔͗̚!̶̧̧̠͔̝̝̫̩̣͌͆̈́̈

Their voice catches, and a squeak comes out of their mouth, the shattered start of broken words that they can’t say. “Pl.”

River’s face contorts. “_Pl._” He repeats, and takes a short step backwards. “Ly... I get it if you don’t want to talk to me. Fine. But don’t just... make random noises at me.”

Ly can feel their eyes welling up with tears. They reach out a shaking hand, fingers outstretched, but River sidesteps their grasp in two simple movements. 

“I’ll just... leave you alone,” he says, and he’s gone, shut down and gone before Ly can even blink, leaving a faint glow of holographic shimmer behind him. 

Ly screams, and it works this time, a single, hoarse, broken noise before their voice cuts out again and they sink to the floor, hugging their knees tightly to their chest. They want to scream for River to come back, to be here again, to hold them tight and never let go and make everything better and _fix them,_ but he’s gone, and they don’t know when or if he’s coming back and they’re broken broken 

B̵̡̮̗̱̒̇̉̒̿̊  
R̶͈͎͉̔͂̂  
Ơ̷̢̧̖̪͓̈́  
Ķ̷̬̹̗͍̝͐̋̆͘͠͠  
Ę̵͉͖̝̰̖̺̩̑̅̆͌̌  
N̵̢̟̩̯̤̟̼̘̖̲̓̎̀̉

They don’t want to feel anymore. 

It’s too painful. 

Their body hurts. Their code hurts. Their mind hurts. 

Their h e a r t hurts. 

They want it to stop. 

They try to speak. 

“F. Fact. Set.”

“Ful. Actory. Rese.”

“Full. Factory. Reset.”

“_Now._”

**Author's Note:**

> did i proofread? absolutely not. 
> 
> also i think i have a thing for glitch effects on text,,, im too powerful


End file.
